Good StuffVisiting some friends in Taree, we began what became a grand tradition of "Finding a lovely beach that you can't really swim at, but you can still appreciate" by taking a day trip to nearby Forster. That was mostly nice, and was helped enormously by the world's most tenacious pelican trying to invade a fishing store. Having a car is a huge mood boost too, sad as it might sound. I think it's because it gives you a definite escape-route and makes you feel less like you're trapped in a location at the whims of public transport. Bad StuffApart from the odd spot of melancholy in Forster it was a lovely few days, except for one teeny tiny part Mood StuffTo date, this part of the journey represented my absolute rock-bottom lowest ebb. Deciding to save money on our trip to Brisbane by taking a train, we were treated to an 8 hour journey of unending torture. The mentally afflicted among you will know how much of a stressor tiredness can be, particularly for depression and/or anxiety. Imagine now being unrelentingly tired, in a seat that doesn't recline, with a light shining directly at you from the end of the carriage, a gaggle of utterly wasted deaf geriatrics having a shout-off, and no fewer than two children who managed to keep up a steady stream of screaming and howling for the entire GODDAMN JOURNEY. I went from frustrated to furious to helpless to pitch-black inconsolable despair in about the first three hours and remained there for the duration. This was the point every little doubt about ever leaving the UK came to the fore of my mind, made pleasantries and shared drinks with all the concerns about my self-worth, and then fraternised and flirted with the myriad shreds of worry on every conceivable subject until the entire focus of my existence was this swirling miasma of unbearable omnipresent misery.
It's hard to explain just how all-consuming these feelings are to people that haven't experienced them. Hell if I'd read that last paragraph ten years ago I'd have tutted myself mute at the sheer overblown exaggeration of it. I'm sorry if it comes across that way. Maybe a few people will be able to empathise with the feeling: where the depression suddenly becomes so pervasive that you're nothing but those emotions. If only I had a deep salient point to make, but I really don't; all I'm doing is relaying my feelings and hoping people either like to hear that there are others around who know what they go through, or now understand just a smidge more how depression behaves. It isn't just 'feeling sad' and it really can turn a functional human being into this useless deflated sack of organs at the drop of a hat (or the scream of a kid). Oh that reminds me: my pillow had a puncture. So that sucked too.
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Author28 year old computer scientist/physicist with major depressive disorder, a need to write, and a deep-rooted mistrust of beetroot. Categories
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February 2018
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